Dancing to the Wedding Tune

A must read primer for all parents who are getting their children married.

Marriage is such a profound experience; it changes your perspective completely. Please do not rush to any hurried conclusion on reading that clichéd statement. My marriage happened in such ancient times that my Alzheimeric memory fails to inform me if I ever had my own personal and independent perspective. Just like spiritual leaders counsel to align your will with God’s will to obtain the peace of mind, it is essential to subsume your way of looking at things in to your spouse's way of looking at life so that you have an uneventful domestic ceasefire, if not heaven on earth.
I cautioned the readers against hasty conclusions because I was actually referring to my daughter's recent marriage in the opening sentence. The parents of my age will vouch that the present generation, both boys and girls, are not very keen on marriage; at least they are not in a hurry to settle down after completing their education and securing cushy jobs. So, once my daughter finally agreed to an alliance I felt like singing aloud ecstatically ‘meri beti ki shaadi hai’ (मेरी बेटी की शादी है) instead of the motif hindi movie song ‘aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai’ (आज मेरे यार की शादी है) that is sung without fail in all weddings exhorting the groom's friends to exhibit their wild gymnastics on public roads that they proudly claim as an established dance form.

Two months prior to my daughter's wedding, I was caught in a whirlwind of its preparations. The first challenge was to find a suitable venue for the event because an interesting specification was thrown in by my daughter: the place must have a lake or a water body as a backdrop! I was really naive to ask her if she would have the time and energy, amidst the hurry burry of all associated rituals, to even glance at the lake. My genuine reservation was scoffed at and blown away as a wisp of smoke and it was only just a beginning of the adventurous journey ahead.

We jointly surveyed the length and breadth of our city and had preliminary discussions with one such hotel executive whose property fitted the bill, not literally as I learnt later, just because it had a pool side lawn that poorly satisfied the requirement of the desired backdrop.

Considering my guest list and that hotel's rate card, I did a quick mental math and arrived at the likely figure of Rs.10 lakhs that brought a smug look on my face. However, the smartly dressed young lady executive was not duly impressed and informed me curtly that if we wanted the hotel property on the specified date then according to their policy their minimum bill would be Rupees 18 lakhs. I was dumb founded. Looking at my pained expression, she explained that if we could choose a date beyond the limited window of Hindu wedding season, that opens only after Dev Uthani and closes after a couple of months, the billing of Rs.10 lakhs was acceptable. I suspected that there must be an evil nexus between pundits, who come out with very few auspicious dates, and the hotel industry. Sikhs and Christians have beaten the pundits in this game; they don't bother about muhurats and look only for the availability of Gurudwara or Church for solemnizing the wedding- apart from the availability of a consenting would be spouse. Unwilling to shell out almost double the actual bill amount, we beat a hasty retreat from that venue.

The search for the wedding venue was further made more challenging because the folks at home insisted that our pet dog, Veda, would be an essential part of all wedding rituals. I visualized four legged Veda marching in step with my daughter to mandap and wondered about its impact on the guests. However, almost all hotels found this request too bizarre and informed emphatically that they did not allow pets on their premises. It seemed that a dog could be a man's best friend but the hotels were not yet prepared to extend their much touted hospitality to it despite our assurance about its docile nature that was far more commendable than the behavior of many of the human guests.

Wedding Venue with the backdrop

After surmounting the obstacle of wedding venue I contacted the vendors who would decorate the place. To my casual query about the probable decor cost, I was told that the range could be between Rupees 2.5 lakhs to 5 lakhs depending on our requirement. Believing that I must not had heard him properly over phone, I asked the vendor to repeat the quoted figure. He did that without blinking an eye- or so I thought- at the other end of the phone. It may be borne in my mind that this amount was just for a four-hour function. We decided to meet him face to face to finalize the deal.

On the appointed day the fat decor vendor met us on the sprawling lawn of the hotel. He was carrying a laptop that he flipped open with a flourish as soon as we sat down. He kept on showing us impressive and colorful pictures of his sets that he had created earlier for other clients. He looked at me for indicating as to what we wanted. I meekly told him that whatever was approved by my daughter and wife would be acceptable. Thereafter, he ignored me completely and made it very obvious in a rather humiliating way by brusquely turning the laptop screen away from me and towards my wife and daughter. I found it a big relief as I was totally ignorant of the vocabulary that flowed between the two sides. I could hear ‘flower shot’, ‘color shot’, ‘mirror path’, ‘bubble shower’ etc. being discussed comfortably, without making me any wiser. For those of you who are as ignorant as I am and who are yet to embark on this journey, let me inform that each of these items can cost a couple of thousands but they add a sense of wonder to the experience of wedding.

At one point my wife asked the decor vendor whether he would use real flowers or artificial ones. It appeared a valid question to me. Yet, her next query stumped me completely. " How green will be the leaves used by you?"

I looked at the grass in the lawn and the hedges surrounding it. I marveled at the level of details being specified by my wife because for me a leaf can only be green in one way. I felt a pang of envy on account of her acumen and wondered if green with envy would be an appropriate shade that I could suggest. Ultimately, realizing that my knowledge of shades was quite shallow, I desisted from venturing in that shady venture.

Obviously, any wedding involves a lot of purchase of jewelry and clothes. Online purchase has now made things easier. The whole family, barring me, pored over the fare displayed by Myntra and other sites and they went on a buying spree. Every time they pressed the order button, I was called out for informing them the otp received on my mobile for the digital payment from the bank. The feverish call-outs to me by my daughters were so frequent that I got confused whether they had changed the way they addressed me from Papa to OTP!

The author all decked up for the occasion

Tipping for a service has always been an agonizing effort for me because I struggle to determine the right amount so that it is neither too meagre to attract nasty looks from the service provider nor too lavish to cause a drain on my pocket. As a father of the bride I was expected to throw tips left and right even if there was hardly any service provided. For instance, the driver of the groom's car in the marriage procession guarded the door of the vehicle as it arrived at the wedding venue and did not permit the groom to alight till the devil received his tip for driving the car just for 500 meters. When I sheepishly offered Rupees five hundred, the guy had the impertinence to shake his head with a broad smile. To avoid any public embarrassment I doubled the amount and then only he opened the door.
This was not the end of my discomfort because the drum beaters took over immediately from there and would not let us walk towards the mandap till they got tipped profusely at every twenty meter interval.

Caught among those forced tips, I was constantly reminded of a conversation I had years back with my Kashmiri boss in my first job. He had told me jovially, “Among Kashmiris whenever someone wishes to curse another person, he simply wishes that his adversary should either face a court case or his daughter should get married! In either case the person will have his hands full and his head spinning." Having undergone the second experience now, I cannot fail to agree with that wisdom.

Contracting, and subsequently dealing with the photographer is also worth dwelling upon. The platter of his skill set consisted of regular photography, candid photography, videography, drone photography and cinematography. I am still not sure what is the purpose of candid photography because it is the bounden duty of any photographer worth his salt to hide the flaws and enhance the beauty of the person being clicked. Why would an art or skill associated with glamour call itself candid at all? If one dares to check all the boxes given in any photographer’s catalogue, the cost would easily exceed Rupees 3.5 lakhs!

One might plan an event meticulously in terms of time management but once a professional photographer is engaged he will ensure that your timetable goes for a toss. He will assiduously make you stand and sit in different poses while clicking to glory, caring two hoots for other essential events like the religious rituals and service of food. Under the barrage of instructions from the man behind the lens, my son in law had wisely resigned to his fate and said, " More than our function, it is the photographer's event."

It appeared to me that our photographer was particularly hit by Cupid's arrow. I could understand him clicking the young couple's pics in romantic poses but the fellow definitely went overboard. He took me and my wife too in a corner and asked us to take similar stances, completely defying our age. I had to refuse him rather candidly, bringing a look of disappointment on his face as I became an obstacle on the path of his professional actualization.

Many of the experienced readers might be able to relate to what I have narrated so far. Let me end on a positive note. Once the marriage was solemnized and a day after we vacated the hotel rooms, I got a phone call informing me that an envelope had been found in the room occupied by us. I asked the executive whether the envelope had some cash normally given as a gift to the bride. I was told that the envelope was sealed and they were not allowed to open it.

I reached the hotel on the next day and it was indeed a sealed envelope with cash, and the name of the guest on the outside. I asked the hotel executive whether he was present with the house keeping staff when the envelope was found in the room. Understanding the implication of my question he smiled at me and said, "Our staff are honest and always report such misplaced things. Once a diamond bangle of Rupees 3.5 lakhs was found by them and dutifully returned to the owner." This simple act of integrity brought a warm feeling in me and I forgot, though only momentarily, how I was thoroughly fleeced by different people during the yagna called daughter’s wedding.